Recently separated/divorced….

F

Fullblown

Well-known member
Trusted Member
Hey everyone.

Being a recently separated/divorced guy I’ve been noticing a lot of interesting things throughout this process. For the most part it hasn’t been terrible and any conversations regarding the children has been amicable until now. To give some background she decided to leave several months ago and my oldest hasn’t been handling that too well as he feels she broke up the family. Realistically she did not as we had our issues for many years.

Recently my ex has began dating someone pretty seriously by the sounds of it and has introduced him to both of our kids. My oldest isn’t a fan and is struggling mightily with this. However my youngest will be fine as he’s more easy going and relaxed. One is a teenager and the other is 10.

However, here’s the weird shit that I’m having trouble grasping and understanding throughout this process. My ex has been having inappropriate conversations with my oldest about my dating life and that I have a partner now (which I don’t). I’m not sure if this is to help her justify her relationship and my one sons push back? I just don’t see the point. There have been other comments as well essentially just pinning the children against me but to blatantly lie? To put kids into these positions is just beyond me and my morals.

Have any of you dealt with shit like this? If so, what were your techniques at handling it?

I feel like I’m pretty good at biting my tongue but I’m getting to the point now where it’s getting a little much.

Anyways…sorry for the long rant! Ha. Enjoy your Sunday everyone!!

Cheers
FB
 
I'd talk to her and ask why she needs to lie and insist that it stops because you won't stoop to that level of low. For her to lie is just toxic and not healthy for children so if she wants the best for them she should stop. I can't help but think maybe it's just a miscommunication and maybe she said hypotheticals or something that could be mistaken.
 
@Fullblown
I feel for you bud, I've been through similar, years back now.

In the end me and the kids got through that part of it pretty well, fantastic relationships with them now. But they do not have much contact with her which is a shame.
Trying to reason with her is the obvious thing but that might be frustrating, fruitless endeavor so I will tell you what I think is the best tact.

Two points first.
I'd bet despite the struggle and emotions your kids are smart enough to know bullshit when they hear it, mine did and her refusal to stop the crap is what drove them apart.
The only thing we can really control is our own behaviors. Sometimes not even that but you hopefully get the point.

The best tact - complete and total honesty with the kids. You don't need to share every thought you have with them but if they ask anything and I mean anything give it too them straight. Even unrelated stuff cause she may bring something up and if you get caught you blow all trust out the door and leave them reeling.

Uncomfortable shit like gear use might be a good example. Mine never asked but I would have come clean if they did. Lying to them or putting them off - "we will talk about that when you are older" will fuck your relationship with them a bit. 100% truth gives them a sense of stability in the world.
Mine still mention it to this day - "What really helped me get through those times when all that crazy shit was happening was knowing that you would always be honest, something was real and clear"

And never ever insult her or put words in her mouth. Don't say "she's a liar""that's bullshit" or "she's just doing X to hurt me" . Instead talk about how you feel - "I feel like maybe what's being said might be a bit different than what actually happened" or "I have to wonder what the real reason for that is" . Of course sometimes "that is simply not true" is appropriate as well.

Good Luck Bro
 
Yeah I've been through this but I ended up losing it, she moved a guy in 2 weeks after we split and wouldn't let me see my son, once I started seeing someone she started telling my son I wasn't supporting them which was a total lie.

It all came to a head when I drove to Red Deer one day to pick up my son and she jumped in my truck and started calling the girl I was seeing down to the dirt in front of my son and I fucking lost it and threw her out of my truck and told her new boy friend I was going to end him if he said a word. Needless to say my son who was 12 at time decided he hated her for everything and moved up north with me.

It is a tough situation and she clearly isn't putting their best interests first, I ended up getting my son some counseling and he is doing great and has seen her maybe 5 times in 6 years. Good luck man it isn't easy feel free to send me a DM if you ever need to chat, I let my anger get the best of me that day and I won't lie I almost struck her as she put me through alot I'm glad I didn't because I'm sure my kid would have hated me for it but anyway stay postive man.
 
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Thanks everyone for your replies!!

Things aren’t terrible by any means. However those are a couple examples of things that have just floored me to be honest.

My goal has and always will be putting my kids first. The honesty point is at the forefront. I won’t sugar coat things with my kids especially my oldest. My younger guy is a little more laid back and just goes with it.

Again thanks gents. Really appreciate the words and ideas!!
 
As always, @gondar1 knocks it outa the park.
Kids will see what’s what eventually. Just tow the great dad line. Never overtly try to make mom look bad. eg “I’m not sure why your mother thinks I’m seeing someone or wants you to think that. But I’m not. My main focus is you kids. If and when the time comes and I do decide to start dating we will discuss it together then. Until then don’t worry about that stuff” etc etc
The better you and the ex get along and the better a team you can be with parenting the better the kids will fare.
It can be a tough road dude. But it sounds like you are already way better off and in a way better frame of mind than most.
Keep this thread going as your outlet and support system if you need it. You are definitely not the only one to be here or alone if you choose not to be.
Good luck eh
 
Fullblown said:
Hey everyone.

Being a recently separated/divorced guy I’ve been noticing a lot of interesting things throughout this process. For the most part it hasn’t been terrible and any conversations regarding the children has been amicable until now. To give some background she decided to leave several months ago and my oldest hasn’t been handling that too well as he feels she broke up the family. Realistically she did not as we had our issues for many years.

Recently my ex has began dating someone pretty seriously by the sounds of it and has introduced him to both of our kids. My oldest isn’t a fan and is struggling mightily with this. However my youngest will be fine as he’s more easy going and relaxed. One is a teenager and the other is 10.

However, here’s the weird shit that I’m having trouble grasping and understanding throughout this process. My ex has been having inappropriate conversations with my oldest about my dating life and that I have a partner now (which I don’t). I’m not sure if this is to help her justify her relationship and my one sons push back? I just don’t see the point. There have been other comments as well essentially just pinning the children against me but to blatantly lie? To put kids into these positions is just beyond me and my morals.

Have any of you dealt with shit like this? If so, what were your techniques at handling it?

I feel like I’m pretty good at biting my tongue but I’m getting to the point now where it’s getting a little much.

Anyways…sorry for the long rant! Ha. Enjoy your Sunday everyone!!

Cheers
FB
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Been there man, If I had the chance to go back I would have fixed many issues........Moving forward, every case is different, and the victims that get hurt the most are the kids, I feel for you bro! Not in a good place to be
 
Scorpio said:
Been there man, If I had the chance to go back I would have fixed many issues........Moving forward, every case is different, and the victims that get hurt the most are the kids, I feel for you bro! Not in a good place to be
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Agreed.
It’s definitely not the best spot. Overall I’m much happier and financially content/stable now that she’s gone.

The kid shit that’s been happening just irks me so much.
 
I feel for you brother. It sounds like you’re doing pretty damn good considering this is so fresh. Always, always, always, the kids come first. This is probably a good thing for you in the long run even if it doesn’t seem so now, but it’s always the kids who have to pay the price. As previously mentioned, complete honesty with the kids as appropriate. As hard as it is you really have to play the long game here. As you mentioned, her behaviour is motivated by the fact that she is doing something inappropriate and wants to deflect attention away from herself and on to you. It takes patience to play the long game but in the end it’s worth it because over time, the kids (who are very smart and can pick up exactly what is going on) will see things for what they are and see that she was the one who fucked everything up. I’ve been through this and it was hard to bite my tongue and play the long game, but so,so, so worth it now. My kids are all grown up and see their mother for who she truly is and know I’m the same old dad who has been honest with them and always looking out for their best interests. It really is worth it in the end. Hang in there.
 
Musclemaker said:
I feel for you brother. It sounds like you’re doing pretty damn good considering this is so fresh. Always, always, always, the kids come first. This is probably a good thing for you in the long run even if it doesn’t seem so now, but it’s always the kids who have to pay the price. As previously mentioned, complete honesty with the kids as appropriate. As hard as it is you really have to play the long game here. As you mentioned, her behaviour is motivated by the fact that she is doing something inappropriate and wants to deflect attention away from herself and on to you. It takes patience to play the long game but in the end it’s worth it because over time, the kids (who are very smart and can pick up exactly what is going on) will see things for what they are and see that she was the one who fucked everything up. I’ve been through this and it was hard to bite my tongue and play the long game, but so,so, so worth it now. My kids are all grown up and see their mother for who she truly is and know I’m the same old dad who has been honest with them and always looking out for their best interests. It really is worth it in the end. Hang in there.
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That’s great advice and I’m glad it worked out that way for you brother. That’s the greatest thing ever.

Super happy for you. Sounds like it all worked out in the end.

I consider myself a really positive guy. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and know it’ll take a lot of patience and time to get there
 
Been there done that ..
Seems always ( my point of view ) that ex’s always try to get the children on there side .
Be honest to the children , but don’t speak negatively about the ex in front of them.

Try to be the better person , over time the children will see everyone’s true colours .

Some good advice mentioned above ,
 
I played the game with my ex too for many years and many court dates . All I can say is alway be honest with your kids .. be there for them and never give in to the exs drama. Unfortunately it didn't work out the best for me
.my kids and I have a distant relationship there was just too much bullshit from her for me to mend ..I see them now that they are adults once and awhile but unfortunately she did alot of damage that I just couldn't repair . Like I said just don't give in to the drama she causes.
 
the dead said:
I played the game with my ex too for many years and many court dates . All I can say is alway be honest with your kids .. be there for them and never give in to the exs drama. Unfortunately it didn't work out the best for me
.my kids and I have a distant relationship there was just too much bullshit from her for me to mend ..I see them now that they are adults once and awhile but unfortunately she did alot of damage that I just couldn't repair . Like I said just don't give in to the drama she causes.
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Appreciate the advice brother.

That must be tough regardless. It’s disgusting how people don’t see the real important things when it comes to that shit. The selfishness fucking kills me.
 
As the child of this (only 22) what I can share is my mother and father are both very respectful towards each other. They’ve never bad mouth one another to me ever. The biggest thing for me was how distant my father was. Took a long time for me to have a relationship with him. It’s more of an adult buddy-buddy relationship more so than father son. No matter what happens, just be present. At least give the kids a chance to see she’s not telling the truth if she is talking poorly.
 
Trenbolone&Cheese said:
As the child of this (only 22) what I can share is my mother and father are both very respectful towards each other. They’ve never bad mouth one another to me ever. The biggest thing for me was how distant my father was. Took a long time for me to have a relationship with him. It’s more of an adult buddy-buddy relationship more so than father son. No matter what happens, just be present. At least give the kids a chance to see she’s not telling the truth if she is talking poorly.
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Agreed brother.
I had a similar situation with my dad when my parents split. Took us 15 years before we were able to rebuild our relationship.

I refuse to let that happen with my boys.
 
Like others have stated, the kids will see everything for what it really is, it might just take time but they're smarter than we give them credit for sometimes.
 
My mother moved us out of province when i was 10 out of spite. This obviously had a big impact on my relationship with my father.
As i got older, i realized what happened and why. This also made me resent my mother.
So now as a man in his mid 40's, i have very little relationship with either of them.
My wifes mother (god rest her soul) was a saint of a woman and she was a big part of our lives. Her dad is kinda a pain in the ass but hes ok too.
 
gondar1 said:
@Fullblown
I feel for you bud, I've been through similar, years back now.

In the end me and the kids got through that part of it pretty well, fantastic relationships with them now. But they do not have much contact with her which is a shame.
Trying to reason with her is the obvious thing but that might be frustrating, fruitless endeavor so I will tell you what I think is the best tact.

Two points first.
I'd bet despite the struggle and emotions your kids are smart enough to know bullshit when they hear it, mine did and her refusal to stop the crap is what drove them apart.
The only thing we can really control is our own behaviors. Sometimes not even that but you hopefully get the point.

The best tact - complete and total honesty with the kids. You don't need to share every thought you have with them but if they ask anything and I mean anything give it too them straight. Even unrelated stuff cause she may bring something up and if you get caught you blow all trust out the door and leave them reeling.

Uncomfortable shit like gear use might be a good example. Mine never asked but I would have come clean if they did. Lying to them or putting them off - "we will talk about that when you are older" will fuck your relationship with them a bit. 100% truth gives them a sense of stability in the world.
Mine still mention it to this day - "What really helped me get through those times when all that crazy shit was happening was knowing that you would always be honest, something was real and clear"

And never ever insult her or put words in her mouth. Don't say "she's a liar""that's bullshit" or "she's just doing X to hurt me" . Instead talk about how you feel - "I feel like maybe what's being said might be a bit different than what actually happened" or "I have to wonder what the real reason for that is" . Of course sometimes "that is simply not true" is appropriate as well.

Good Luck Bro
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^^^best advice
 
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